Trust or Fear of Rejection?

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over four months. He clearly has a dominant side however we’ve never talked about D/s. How can I bring up the fact that I want to explore BDSM with him without him freaking out? If I trusted him, I could tell him, right? I haven’t even told him I’m going to the conference and I really wish he’d come with me.


Hi Jill,

First, I’m pleased you’ll be attending BDSM Writers Con 2014. I look forward to meeting you.

To answer your question, some of the ways to bring up BDSM in your relationship is to openly discuss the lifestyle itself. You don’t have to immediately say that’s what you desire to share with him. You can bring up the topic and discuss the various nuances first. Get a feel for his reaction and thoughts/concerns. For instance:

“Hey hon, what did you think about all the crazy around that book on D/s…”

Another possibility is reading him a passage from one of your favorite BDSM romances. That’ll definitely open the door to various comments.

You can also review these two books with him; they are what I call “soft entry” books into the world of Dominance and submission. Both are great books. If nothing else, the titles will inspire conversation.

When someone you love is kinky and BDSM The Naked Truth.

Any discussion on BDSM with a new lover whom you’re not sure is into the lifestyle will provoke anxiety. That’s normal. 😀

The important thing is, do you trust him? If you do not trust him, entering into any type of BDSM play/interactions is foolish.

However if “trust” is not the issue and instead you fear being rejected if you bring up your desires (which seems to be the case), then the real question becomes: “Do you really want to be in a relationship where you can’t be yourself or have your sexual desires met?”

Knowing the answer to that question now would be the key to moving forward and finding the lover you want.

Live with passion,

Doctor Charley…

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